The toddler attacks

A few weeks ago, I told my friend I would watch her toddler while she went to class for the evening. She was so grateful and I was happy to help. The day came and I was ready. I left work early that afternoon (barista hours). I went to the market and bought some snacks, mostly for me. On the way home I bought a bottle of wine. When I got home I had to dig deep, but I found the menu to my favorite local pizza shop. All of these things, these preparations were recommendations from the mom.

I made sure that the PS4 controllers were charged, the dog was fed and had toys to play with upstairs in my room, double checked the snack cupboard, and poured my first glass of wine. I had to check one last thing, Netflix. I was consumed with the amount of children movies and shows. My friend texts me and said she was on her way, which broke my Netflix obsession long enough for me to turn it off. This was the opportunity to acquire a casual buzz that was just on the border of social acceptance. I had finished my first glass and moved on to my second glass.

The toddler has arrived. My friend came in, like a natural disaster level hurricane- swinging bags and pajamas with a small boy just running around her in circles like he was orbiting a planet. I was given the rundown on topics such as like, don’t like, and is probably gonna do. She left as quickly as she had come in and I proceeded to order pizza and fries. This is when it began. At the request of the young child, I searched YouTube for videos with the keyword “mystery egg.” If anyone here does not know what that term is, I’ll help fill you in. Mystery egg videos are one of natures tools involved in brainwashing single moms. After fifteen minutes, my eyes began to bleed and I had to stop watching. I found other things to occupy my time, like reading memes and drinking the rest of the wine while stuffing my face with pizza.

My toddle friend continued to watch YouTube videos about mystery eggs and moved on to superheros riding bikes on obstacle course in the sky with no possible safe way to land on the ground. Imagine being at the top of the Eiffel Tower and someone hands you a bike then says, “Wanna see if they fly?” He was obsessed. He stood there, rocking back and forth. Sometimes he climbed onto the sofa and jumped off as the superheros jumped off the edges of the obstacle course. It was odd to see how fixated he actually was.

I cannot say that I have ever been that interested in something, and if I had been then I probably would be living a successful life with a lavish lifestyle, treating myself to Starbucks daily. Anyway, I thought this would be an easy night. The kid was hooked on YouTube and I was now reading TMZ. Then he came over to me and said he was bored.

I could relate to that. I tried to put on Netflix, figuring the next option was a movie. Nope. No more movies. Okay, well I had PS4. We (me) played Ultimate Alliance for over an hour before realizing that my toddle friends controller was not actually on. I thought that I was the smart one here, but he was so angry. I bribed him with chocolate, which was also a tip from his mother. I had about another hour and a half until the toddler would be packed and going home. He decided that he wanted to was various colored vehicles drive around a racetrack while a song about ABC’s blared loudly. This was my karma. I now coming down from my wine buzz,which is the worse possible way to come off a buzz. My head was throbbing and I was ready to throw myself out of my front window.

Shortly after (fifty minutes), my friend texts me and lets me know that she is on her way over for her precious cargo. I packed his pj’s that he didn’t want to change into, put a few snacks in the bag and told him that mommy was on her way. That was also a mistake. How to get a toddler to ask a hundred and thirty questions a minute is to tell them that you are either almost there or someone is on there way over. 

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